Snow...

When i was little, stuck inside while my father worked and my mother sat reading her books, i remember looking out the window and giggling at the sight of the little frozen ice specs that fell lightly to the ground, covering it in a cold winter blanket.
But when i got older, and finaly i could go outside, i descovered that the snow really wasnt as magical as i thought it was. My big brother often put my face in it, threw it at me, and left me out alone in the middle of a snowy feald. [Was afraid of being alone]
The snow was my worst enemy from then on. The summers seemingly were very short, and the winters never ended. I would glare at the tiny shapes of snow that would fall from the sky like rain, wondering why the heat of my hatred wouldnt melt them.
And to this day i hate the snow. Being as young as i am, i cant use it to my advantage, like everything else around me. The snow prevents me from being with the man i love. I would probably love the snow if it wasnt so cold, or if i was older, and could drive to see my Patrick and get warm in his arms. But NO!!! life has to be cruel to me, and freez the earth so i cant see my patrick....

This morning me and my brother woke from a peaceful sleep, got ready, and then went out into the freezing snow, in the middle of a snow storm. We waited for at least a half an hour in the snow, occumulating inches of snow on our bodies. To make things better, i wasnt propperly dressed for the snow. I was in a SMALL SWEAT SHIRT AND JEANS.
And to top things off, the buss never came. It was a snow day. So me and River trudged back into the hour, covered in snow, and watched a movie. My hair didnt thaw until an hour later...

so....to conclude this post on snow....BA HUMBUG!

first in a long time

Some things have happened to me in the past four months, since i met the man i love in late june. It started with a trip to the library. He saw me, and i looked right through him like he wasnt even there. Whenever he saw me in town from then on he whistled, yelled, and then went to run and hide whenever i looked toward him, until one day i followed the noise...

I met Patrick Michael Paquette at the park where he was sitting with a friend smoking a cigerette. I didnt really give him much attention, but i knew he was looking at me. So i went over and started to talk to the guy he was sitting with, whom i knew already to be Chriss Douglas.

I sat next to patrick, and grinned when i felt him tense by my side, and i turned and smiled at him, and i earned a very nervouse smile from him, and then i made a comment about the table we were sitting on. We talked about the table for the next five minutes before his friend Ty appeared. I didnt like him. I hung out with the group of people, just because i was starting to feel like i maybe liked to talk to this new and interesting person.

Right now i cant stand to look at the table we had first met on. It makes me cry when i look at a spot that has so many memories tied to it, and to know that there wont be any new ones being made.

July 6th 2009, two weeks after we met, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, and for two months after that, we had an amazing time, seeing eachother every day, growing closer and closer. Until mom found out we were having sex.

Im not aloud to see him outside of my home anymore. And as you can imagin a boy doesnt just want to sit down in his girlfriend house and kiss her all the time. Its boring. So we grew apart. ve tried to end things with him, but we just arent ready to let go of eachother.

Im growing more depressed the longer he is away, and im sure he is losing interest. I just wish God would answer the prayer i have been praying for the last month now, and help our relationship. I gave everything to Patrick. I want him to be the one i stay with.

Please dear readers. Pray for me and patrick. Pray that our relationship survives and gets better. My voice is getting tired of asking each night. My eyes hurt from crying. I want to be happy again. Help me.

Thank you very much. Talk to you later.

back!!!

okay, im sooo sorry its been like a month since i have updated, and in that last month alot has happened. alot of drama and alot of shit.
well, me and patrick are in a hardspot. my mother found out out about our relationship, and im not aloud out of the house without an adult every day now. patrick got his job back tat he lost because of me and he is working every day all day and making good money. but we havent been seeing eachother lately. a few nights he has spent outside with me in secret, but that didnt last either. since he got a job. and then his own mo9ther said that he wasnt aloud to date me anymore or she would call the cops on him or kick him outof the house.so now he is working hard so he can get a house. byut the other day my friend lee told me that patrick had a new girlfriend. i confronted hm about it and he said hat he only saw her once, and it was for his mothers sake. he said he wouldnt be seeing her again. despite our recentfights over stupid shit, he still can say he loves me and he still tells me godnight. i think he will be coming over soon to a party we are havin for the older folk. he was invited for my sake i beleive.but anyway. i dont think we are dating or waiting for eachother anymore. i think we might get back ogether when he has his own place, but not until he realizes that whn you wait for someone, regardless of if you thinkyour mother is suspiciouse, you dont date other girls!
especialy not you best friends ex girlfriend.

but yeah, today i went to traverse city and got a few pars of pants and makeup with a hair straightener. i have lost a awesome amoutn of weight, although i think i gained soem after eating burger king...
and i went to an awesome fun corse today and rode the very large zip line and gt the pleasure of seeing the young workers on the zipline flirt with me. ^_^

im downloading a few songs from grease on blubster too, and enjoing myself very much.

TTYL!!!

3: 23 AM

it is now 3:24 Am in the morning, i just got done talking to my man on the meebo IM, and i cant sleep because my broither herd some mysterious foot steps out side of the bathroom. and no one but us is in the house. and sicne that wouldnt be my only encounter with a misterious happening in my house past midnight, i am awake and alert and im going to fall asleep tomarow in the middle fot he road!

i am now going to tell you of my adventure at the dental office this fine. . .well, yesterday morning. it really wasnt all that bad. i have descovered that i have a few cavities. not bad ones, just minor ones that can be easily fixed. my poor little brother on the other hand is a different story. he got. . .cavity fillers. . .i just had my teeth cleaned!

and well, afterwards they put some icky florite in my mouth, and as soon as i got home i brushed it out even if they told me not too.
and then my man was being my savior and gave me a much deserved cigerette after i got into town. and then he finaly let me take a picture of his face, and a few of us together, and then he had a blast taking pic's of me on his phone, which he is going to try and put on myspace.

so when i get phone minutes i will be posting some pictures of the guy i am in love with. and be warned, as cute and hot and sexy as i think he is, you might not think so. but i think you all will like him. lol.

ima gona make a quick description of him. . .just so you get an ideah, because when i get minutes. . .well, that will be a LONG time from now. trust me.

PATRICK PAQUETTE [pat-rick peck-et]

age: 17
birth: 2-10-92
body: skinny/muscular
hair: short/dark brown
eye color: BROWN
accesories: glasses

he always weares baggy clothes. and he ties his shoes really tight. he always seems to be ducking in and out of the view of people he knows.


but yeah. im tired and i can barely stand. i need to go to bed now, ttyl!!!

DREADED DENTIST

yes dear readers. . .i am indeed going tot he dentist today. for the very first time in my life. and just so you all know, i have lives 13 and a half years on the planit earth, in the country known as america in the middle of the state of michigan in the small village known as central lake, whick is located in antrim county. does that narrow things down a little?
well, my father and my boy friend have made it a point to run down my minutes on my cell phone, and i already had trouble keeping minutes on my phone to begin with, so my plan is to get a damn job, raise and save money to get a cell phone and pay monthly for unlimited texting. yes yes it all sounds great, and i have yet to search for the catch! and if i cant pay for unlimited texting, i suppose id just get a real phone so i can at least have an awesome ringtone. ^_^

and this morning i am off to the dentist! this will be my very first trip, and its only to get my teeth checked and cleaned i do beleive. im not scared or anything. im just a little curious, and i might get scared if the guy points a drill at my teeth and yells "root canal!" and then id scream and bolt from the room all the way two town over and then jump into the arms of a still sleeping patrick paquette who will role over onto the floor and wake up and start yelling, and then he will notice im there, get out a pack of his fav cigerettes and ask when the dream will end.

how is that for a detailed fortune telling???
well, i wouldhave posted pic's of me and my man, but sadly he is picture shy. i have two very sexy pictures of him without his shirt, but it doesnt show his face.

and dear lynn i dont want to scar your eyes wih pictures of men half naked!

and john i know you are not gay, even if the things you say and how you say them might seem a little homosexual. i love you!!! *smiles really big*

i havent been doing much this past week. i have only lost the books i got from the library, gone to the lake with my boyfriend without my mothers permission and failed to update my twitter every day. and now i am out of text minutes so i cant take pics and post them up here.

but alas dear readers, i must depart from you now, for i have to make my little brothers bath.
BUBBLES!!!

KARMA. . .

well, i should kick myself for letting my weekly blog posts turn into my monthly blog posts, because alot of interesting things have happened.
pat officaily became my boyfriend two weeks ago, and yes i have shared myself with him already, and he has not lost interest in me so far, in fact he says he cant waot until i grow up so he can steal me from my mother. lol. i cant say i would be terribly unhappy about that theft.

i am still half asleep here to bare with me, i am doing a quick blog post before going to church today. as attached to pat as i am, i havnt been skipping out on church. exept last week i was bit on the wrist by kyle AGAIN for the 300th time, and then shortly after he grabbed my hanmd and punched me in the face with it, resulting in a bloody lip. can you imagin what i looked like with running eyeliner and a bloody lip? VAMPIRE!!!

and just yesterday, since pat broke his ankle again and we had nothing to do because his ankle was broke and he couldnt do much himself, we picked a random abandoned house for sale to sit around. we picked a nice comfy spot on the back porch and stayed there until we got caught!

and then while james searched around the house for his head phones he had lost, pat decided to lay in the middle of the road. yes people, i did drag him out of the way of the green truck that was coming, that just so happened to be my cousin howards. [aka scooter]
we ended up staying over at his house for the remainder of our time, were i was bit my a jerble, and they played vidio games.

i was sitting on a small chair facing a jerble while pat sat next to me in another chair. the jerble was cute, and i wanted to touch it, and scooter said i could. so i picked it up, forgetting that the nice jerble had died, and that this was the mean one. i held it for a minute and let it sniff my finger, and then it BIT me. i watched and didnt make a sound as the blood oozed up from its teeth and streamed down my finger, and then my arm. then it released me, and the blood flow thickened. pat started laughing really hard, and scooter came over, examined my finger, told the jerble "good boy" and said the blood was "wicked!"
and then i went to the bathroom and washed it out, and when the blood wouldnt stop, i simply put it in my mouth. i walked outside because my finger was throbbing and hurting, and pat follows me and is still laughing. i growl, and he gets a look at my bloody teeth, and then he starts trying to takle pictures with his phone. i escape him and sit down in the living room watching my brother and scooter playing vidio games.
and then pat sat in the chair behind me and we chatted while they played, until the end when we faced eachother in guitar hero 3.
he beat me, but i was using a guitar and he was using the stupid controler. and he put us on expert! im a strictly hard person. not expert. which is why i lost.

but then i gave pat a final kiss and headed home because it was 7 and time for me to go home. and he had to see his mom for something.


thats all really, im just sitting here at my computer typing this out and waiting for the church buss to get here so that kyle can abuse me some more. . .

see ya later!

NEW! [insert sparkles]

as you can tell from the rather sparkling title, there have been some changes in my life. and i feel like reminising. i have no idea how to spell that word. . .
but yes, so much has changed in the last year or two. like last summer my life was hell and it just seemed to be a spinning mess. and then i went to this camp. i got saved for real, and i met some unforgettable friends. some of which i dont ever want to forget, and some that i think i might have already forgotten.
i met taylor and heidi west. if i ever needed some girl advise, i would probably go to heidi.
i met cayleb flaharty. i havnt seen him around lately. him and his girlfriend are really busy. last i hear they were getting married. i dont know if they have broken it off yet. im not sure if its a good or bad thing.
and i met john pavlick. um, not much to say there except he has prbably weasled his way into my best friends list, and then placed himself at the very tip top. i dont talk to him alot, cos he is very busy with his life at the moment, but i really dont want him to just. . .fade away. . .like the rest of the people seem to be doing. but if he does, i think i have him completely burned into my memory. i think without him i wouldhave already bled to death. . .[shiver]

and then when mom and andy broke up again and me and mom went to live in central lake after a long series of moving around. i met several people here. for a while i didnt meet anyone because i wasnt aloud out of the house without mother, but since james [my brother] is back in the house, i have been alowed to go places with him.
i have met some small people, but really not anyone important. kayla haladay is prolly the most important in school, and hailey bullock. and sometimes kayla straight. she is therwe when i need her in math class. ^_^
robert and lee also, but i dont see them often.
lee is like the best girlfriend ever, i love him even when he loves guys!
robert is a shy and quiet little mastermind. he knows everything about computers and such things. he a big teddy bear too!!!

and just recently i have aquired some ibnteresting new friends.
i am still working of dillan cary. he is a tall dark and hot 16 year old. hell, he looks 21 though i swear! the dude is 6,1 !!!

and then i met Nathen. . .he is a very small and annoying little 12 year old. 4,7. sometimes i think he and dillan or joined at the hip. doing freaky stunts around the small town.

and also in the equation is Patrick Pequette. he is utterly average, but probably my favorite in this group. he is 5,9 and 17 years old. i hang with him more than i do thwe others, and i feel comfortable. he is probably my brothers first guy friend in this town. he is a major smartass, but when i say something highly inteligent that he doesnt understand, he admits it. he is very attached to me. he looks at me like im something nice and tasty to eat. and he usualy chooses ti hang with me over his other buddies. i have made out with this guy on numerous occasions, but it hasnt gotten too far. . .we were interupted before it could.

but yes, i have found a group that i can hang with, and i have found a place to hang with them.
there are two places i know about so far. there is "the toilet" which consists of a ditch, a few tree's, and a broken toilet in the ditch.
and then there is the ruins. it is an old burned diown train station from the early 1900's. all that is left is a few of the concreat walls. tree's have gronw all around the little place. its actually very interesting.
i havent really seen any of the other hide aways yet, but im sure pat will show me sooner or later.

see ya all!

um. . .

yeah, ya know how i said i was dating jordan? well, that didnt last long. . .
we are so done with.

LOL

well, i have news that none of you have ever heard of! ever in your life times. and i now that all of my readers no me to be that one person who shoots down every boy in the area to avoid trouble yes? [readers boo and say no.]
well, haha, i am now dating jordan peterson. he is a tall 14 ywear old that could pass for 18, and had long dark brown hair and nice skin, and he kinda looks like harry potter!
haha, i have been dating him for a week, and we have tal;ked on the phone seven hours a day, and then we went swimming together! [and i aquired some nasty swimmers itch]
he works in a family owned bakery, and has money for college and money for spending and all of that good stuff. he is awesome and nice and not like any of them other jerk offs i have dated.
[readers close eyes and shake heads] lol, ttyl, i have nothing more to say at the moment!

im back!

well, it seems that the quarrell with me and torrie is over and done with. i have proved myself a rather mature person, with my high grammer skills and my way of communicating, but torrie has also told me that i have some things to grow up on. i am an uneven person, while my mind is smart, i seem to be holding myself back in the way of reputation. i have been so worried about what people think about me, that i seem to have braught myself down to their level of thinking, thus making retarded and embarassing attitude, second nature, and i have lost the respect of the ones i wanted to impress. i had just the opposite effect. furthermore, i am done using stupid language and stuping to the level of those little retards that beleive that they are better than I. i will now be being me and only me, and despite what the others think, i will carry on being me.

and now that my very touching speech is in fact over, i will tell you all of the journey i have had this past week. . .
well, i have discovered yet another wonderfull band via youtube. TOKIO HOTEL. they are simply amazing in every way possible. they seem to have a song for everything and every mood one person is in.
weather they are suicidal, rebeliouse, in love, or just happy and content, tokio hotel has a song for them. they have become famouse all over the world, in places including isreal!
the poeple love this group of four teenagers, that started their career simply writing lyrics at the tender age of seven years old when their parrents devorced, the kaulitz twins then started their band. they gathered the bass guitarist and the drumer at a show they did, and then became famous all around their home country of germany.

the band members consist of the kaulitz twins, bill and tom kaulitz, and gaustav and georg.
bill is the lead singer [he looks like a girl]
tom is the guitarist [looks like a gangster]
gaustav i beleive is on bass
and georg is on drums

i have a favourite song i will be posting on this blog, and i think you will enjoy its meaning as much as i have.

TOKIO HOTEL : "DONT JUMP"

On top of the roof
The air is so cold and so calm
I say your name in silence
You don't wanna hear it right now
The eyes of the city
Are counting the tears falling down
Each one a promise
Of everything you never found

I scream into the night for you
Don't make it true
Don't jump
The lights will not guide you through
They're deceiving you
Don't jump
Don't let memories go
Of me and you
The world is down there out of view
Please don't jump

You open your eyes
But you can't remember what for
The snow falls quietly
You just can't feel it no more
Somewhere out there
You lost yourself in your pain
You dream of the end
To start all over again

I scream into the night for you
Don't make it true
Don't jump
The lights will not guide you through
They're deceiving you
Don't jump
Don't let memories go
Of me and you
The world is down there out of view
Please don't jump
Don't jump

I don't know how long
I can hold you so strong
I don't know how long

Just take my hand
Give it a chance
Don't jump

I scream into the night for you
Don't make it true
Don't jump
The lights will not guide you through
They're deceiving you
Don't jump
Don't let memories go
Of me and you
The world is down there out of view
Please don't jump
Don't jump
And if all that can't hold you back
I'll jump for you

CAR SHOW!!!

well, yesterday i went to this awesomely stellar car show. there was some pretty hot cars that when they purred to life, it was almost orgasmic. lol.

i was a happy girl yesterday.

i saw corvets, vipers, mustangs, GT's, bugs, and even motercycles! you see, central lake is a turist village. almost everyone from down state comes up to central lake and bellaire to see torch lake. and because of the three most beautiful towns in michigan happen to be on torch lake, those towns are packed during the summer with all kinds of people

in central lake, we have the ever famous kid rock living just down the street from me. isnt that cool??? his house is locked and gaurded though. . .

the three tows that are hot spots for the tourists and the famouse people are alden, bellaire, and central lake.

now imagin these pretty little tows. they arent packed, and the sun is shining on the snow on the ground. . .

thats winter

now imagin parties and singing and people every where.

thats summer.

anyway, after the car show i went to my aunt nessa's to see my cousin colton who was up for a weekend from alfa house down state in luddington. and ym other cousin gerritt was there too. and i got to see torrie, who graduated. i am going to her open house today at 2:00 pm and i am going to show up in these awesome tripp pants. and then i am going to dress up into a black dress for the party.

i have only worn a dress twice since i turned 6, so this is a HISTORICAL event. . .

i have descovered. . .

SILVER LINING

john, you are amazing, i just though i should point that out to you. i have been listening to some of your songs on soundclick, and i am very impressed. the music is very pleasing to my ears.

but there is just a few things i would have to disagree with you on.

on your profile you said that your fav song is "falling in love on accident"
but i strongly dissagree. so far, your best work is candyflip. falling in love on accident is good yes, but its only your best because you are a love stricken puppy dog.


okay, and back to my blogging. . .

THE TREADMILL

yes, the treadmill. i am now going to be working out. i am bored now that school is over, and for anyone who had actualy seen me in person, i am a bit chubby yes? well, now i know what to do with my free time now that school is out!!!

i will be dedicating my free time to the treadmill, and since mom has no money to get food, i wont be eating either!!! so thats like, major weight loss! and i am walking into town alot more thanks to my big brother. i will not only be treadmill-ing, but doing crunches, push ups, and pull ups as well. and as soon as i go down to a size 3 like my friend TJ [who used to be fat] i will start wearing girl clothes!!! never will i wear pink, but blue green and red, yes! maybe some orange too. . .but yes, i will be starting to dress like a girl!!!

but in no way at all does that ,ean i will be stripping myself of my whorely attitude. i have spent my whole life working on my rep, and everyone loves me for it. i will not be changing that!!!

so anyway, my goal for this month is to be able to wear a bikini and feel good about it! ^_^

BASS FEST!!!

well, i had a blast yesterday. you see, every year after school ends, there is a festival dedicated to bass! [i guess] well, i have not missed a year since i was born, and this year was most likely the best and the worse.

i spent the first fifteen minutes riding rides with my little brother, it was the super slide. it is like, 20 feet into the air, and you slide down super fast. my little brother went on it like, 25 times.

and then i met up with charls and TJ. they are my bisexual awesome friends. TJ left to go live in travers city for the remainder of his minor life. so i spent the rest of my time comforting charls, who admitted he had a crush on me, and he had one since he first met me five years ago. he had a dollar in his pocket, and i was empty handed, so we passed this really nice [and hot] carny who offered to let charls try and get me a stuffed animal. the original price was 2 dollars, but the carny had pitty on charls and let him have a go for 1. charls lost pitifully, but the nice carny gave him a stuffed animal to give to me anyway. so thats the story of how i got my SQUISHY!!! he is a little stuffed teddy bear!

the second half was spent with katlyn. she is a annoying handful and she would not leave me charls, or my brother alone. we went on every ride at least three times before the police were looking for her because she ditched her mother.

but after that, we all ran into some old friends of my brothers. his firnd rachael, and her boyfriend cody. now, cody, rachael, and whatever friends they had with them had a long conversation about how sexy i was, and that i couldnt possibly be 13 years old. well, me and rachael ditched the boys to go onto the star. . .and i am afread of hights. the star is like a huge ferris wheel that you can rock in, and flipp over in and stuff. i wanted to puke, but rachael is an angel, and she didnt rock the wheel. . .but thwne i got in with cody. . .i threatened to puke on him at least five times, but i never did, and i had alot of fun. cody said i was cute at least ten times. he is 20 years old, and rachael is 16. i rode rides with them for the remainder of my time after charls had to leave,a nd rachael gave me lessons on how to flirt with the carny's to get longer rides! and what do you know? IT WORKED!

after another three times going on the star, me and rachael watched my brother and cody on the bumper cars.

and after that, it was closing time. so we all went our sperate ways to go home.

but i did have alot of fun!

the pic is of rachael when we were in the gravitron.

pictures!

well, i have had several awsome things happen to me this week. i died my hair, hung out with awesome friends, and died my hair! oh, and i got some awesome pic's of my fav neice destiny. i love dessy. . .i can only hope that my kid is this cute!

adorable isnt she???

NEVER

this post is actualy for lynn, who reads my story titled never on www.storywrite.com

i just wanted her to know that i have deleted the chapters to my story and put them all together again in a longer fasion. nothing has changed in the story, except for that chapters 1-6 are now mearly two chapters, and i have posted the new number 7, which is chapter 3.

so if you are still reading, chapter 3 is where you will need to read. its where you left off i do beleive.

ttyl!

silent as the grave

lol, things have been weird lately. alot of things in my life revolve around death and are centered at the grave yards!!!
i am going back tonight to see my grnadma and fix up her grave garden again. but this time i am going at night, and i have a cold! and this will most likely result in me ending up in a grave!

and my friend kayla's grandpa died yesterday, so she is going to his funeral soon. . .

yeah, anyway, yesterday at church i totally scared this retarded chick!

she wouldnt stop being a sick minded freak! her name is chelsy, and she is obsessed with sex. she is like 300 pounds and has no shame at all! well, she wouldnt leave me and my friend hailey alone, and she wouldnt stop humping the friggin buss seats. . .and this is how that went. . .

chelsy: "oh yeah baby!"

hailey: jolene save me!"

me: "hailey come over here."

hailey moved into my seat.

chelsy: " hahaha!!! hahahaha!!!! ohhh!!!!"

me: chelsy stop, your gong to break the buss!"

hailey: omg someones coming!

chelsy: "haha!! she said come!"

me: "chelsy that is sick, and you had better practice the meaning of the words, silent as the grave, or you will soon BE silent as the grave!"

chelsy: "oh my god that was scary. . .SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!!!"

me: "you better get lost chelsy before i rip out your throat!"

she just starred at me, so i let out a really loud gutteral snarl/growl thingy, and she screamed and ran off of the buss. all was then peacefull. . .

me: ahh. . .sweet silence.

hailey: O_o

and so now fat retarded perverted chelsy is scared of me! and i am sick in bed with a sore throat and a cold!! achoo cough!

^_^ ttyl

lazy bones. . .litteraly

my memorial weekend has been depressing and good at the same time. i went to mancelona to visit my grandma's grave, and me and my family [the main house and the branch families] all went and prettied up the plain sodden ground below her tomb stone.
we were gonna make an awesomely big garden in front of her tombstone, so we pulled all of the sod off of the grave and started to aline with a fensing, but then some jack ass told us we couldnt make the garden that big, so we cut off about 3 quarters of the small garden and made it even smaller. we put flowers at the top of the tomb stone, and put landscape tile on the ground in the fenced garden area and then put some awesome slate on it. we still have alot to do, and i cant really explain all of it in my state of mind. i am currently going through a weird buzz right now.

but yeah, while i was there at the graveyard, we stummbled apon the story of a tragic death. little dores day [11 years old died in 1999] died of cancer. she loved wildlife and lions, and on the back of her beautiful tomb stone was a poem. i will write it out when i get it on paper. her tomb stone is polished marbel. its pitch black and has faded colored panthers and lions on it. and on the area around the grave, there are statues of panthers and lions.
all i can say was, i didnt cry for my grandma who lived to the rightfull age of 67 years old, but for the little girl who lived only 11 years and died of cancer. grandma had cancer too though. . .

it has left me contemplating on what i want when i die. well, i like wolves more than any other animal in gods green earth. and black it my favorite color. and i like anime and poetry. i dont plan on dying any time soon, but if god will it, i want a good tomb stone for when i do die.

and i would want to make a few things clear too, but i will save that for paper for everyone to read when i am actually dead. ^_^ im not for the sappy and tear jerking things while im still alive. it hasnt really gotten me anywhere in the past. . .

but yeah, i need advise of tomb stone designs!!! help me!!! ^_^

so much to tell, where to start?

well, i suppose i should talk about the highlights of my week. sami came over on friday and stayed until late saterday. we walked around the awesome town of bellaire and walked some awesome trails.
and then my brother came home to stay with me and my mom until he can get a home of his own! and on the second day he was here, we ventured over to gaylord. we went into wallmart and got this awesome PSP [which he is playing now] and bought Grand theft auto vise city. and then since he missed my 13th birthday, he got me a sims game.

nothing else interesting happened after that, except me getting otu of the house a whole lot more. so i will be fast forwarding to today.

i stole haley away from her mother and brought her home with me for today, and then we went out to walk the town! i did alot of staying around the park and at my awesome buddy lee's place. i laughed when i saw him in his awesome PINK twilight shirt. he got his braces taken out too!
i am glad for him, for he is getting a new boyfriend!

and then me, haley, and kendra made our way over to kendra's house to get some money before going to a pizza shop where we met up with chris and TJ. and after i showed them just how much i can eat, we went back over to lee's place to chill out and hang around with thia and wyatt.

and around 7:00 me and haley went back to my place.

thats about it. there was some more details, but i cant really tell all of them, cos they are either dirty or i just cant remember. ^_^

my day so far....

...has been uneventfull! i just wanted to let all of you people that read my blog know that i have not forsaken you. ^_^

but i have been busy at school. i have been writing on my story more than usual, and im exhausted. i have started reading a new book, called vampire plagues. really good so far. it follows the journal of benadict cole, as he journeys through the mexican jungle in search of the meyen temples. he and his father, and the rest of the scholors find the cave of the evil vampire god, and then a plague is unleashed onto the jungle and follows young ben back to london. there, ben meets a lonely street boy named jack, and they save london from the rath of the evil vampire god.
there are three books to this series...i am only half way through the first book. ^_^

in science we are learning about weather. and about the atmosphere and the different biospheres. i have learned about photosynthesis [again] and the water cycle [again] and now we are working on a project with flowers. we have created a mini eacho system in a plastic cup! we put gravel on the bottom of the cup, then soil over the gravel, then we planted the seeds in the soil, watered it, then set in a cap with water in it, then closed the top of the cup with plastic wrapp. the idea of this is to see what happens.

emagin the wrapping in the earths atmosphere. and the cap of water inside is a lake. we put the cup under a light, and the water evaporates and condensates on the wrapping, making clouds. then the condensation precipitates and waters the seed in the soil. so it is a process or both photosynthesis and the hydro system!


and in computers we have stopped using excel for now! [yes!!!] we have now moved on to using microsoft powerpoint! i hate this too, but its better than excel!!!

and the next most awesome thing about today is that we have a new member in our family!
today, my mother was veturing out into the yard when she heard a small weak meow. she looked over to see a starving orange cat with matted hair and a skinny body. well, she gave her food and when we got hope, we loved her and named her. her name is now Bebe. [behb-bee]


i have to get off the internet and do the dishes so i can go to the library...and my mother is marveling that she has a butt now! o_O lol! ttyl people!!!

so far. . .

i am eagerly awaiting the end of the school year. and i have a couple of friends from school on twitter! and me and kyle are slowly getting closer! yay! the good news about him is that he understands me, i understand him, he likes it kinky, and I like it kinky!!! oh, the down side is he is dying his hair back to its orginal color. [blonde] oh well... i still love him...love is a strong word...i have only really ever loved one person....so ill just say "like very strongly"

hopefully i will get a camera and start posting pics of us. because we are so cute together. [gagg]

oh, and to lynn and john: my computer is being stupid, so i couldnt comment on my thoughts to your lovely date. i am glad you two had a good time together!!! the pic was cute! i couldnt figure out which one of you was cuter, srsly!

and i went to church this morning. yeah i know, i went to chruch after skipping last week. [im a bad girl.] but i just havent been in the church mood. bad sign. but this week i got to listen to people make fun of pastor H. !!! it was so fun! and then everyone got to watch a guy whip flowers into peices, and then throw a bunch of scary looking knives at people! i sooo wanted to put matt back there, but DJ went instead! T_T
but that was funny too.

me and kyle then started to mix up pepsi+venom+monster+mt dew=HYPER!!!!

and then i went home all bored and got on storywrite and wrote more stories that have to do with erotica and stupid things like romance and love. [pssht, who wants love right???]

me right now

okay, heres the thing. life hasnt been very interesting so far, so i have been taking a while to blog. but school is almost out, and when that happens, i will most likely have alot more to type about then just boring statements about how depressed i have been about teenage stuff like boys. but i will post about a few things i have been up to.

in school, i have a computers class, where i am learning how to use word and excel. i am a genius when it comes to word, and i am getting good at excel, but that doesnt mean that i like it. at all.
and since it is almost the end of the year, we had some cute little elemertary schoolers come into our class rooms and listen to what we were doing, to prepare themselves for middle school. and meanwhile, i am preparing for highschool. my boyfriend is getting held back. [again] and i will be helping him to the next grade next year. [by doing his work for him]

and over the summer, i will be going back to alba [my previous home] and spending time with my moms EX- boyfriend. i dont like him, but he is unobservant, and i dont want my little brother to get hurt over there. no matter how annoying and stupid he is.

right now he is playing a old version of the atari game system. the graphics suck but the games are cool. they are like, old school arcade games. like the little game where you float through little pixels and blow things up. [space ship games]
and then there is a little pack man game. and mom loaded us up with three games that i have been downloading onto my stupid computer. i have the game "the clue finders", "scrabble", and "bubble burst" i personally like scrabble, but the graphics on the other games are cool, and they are educational games that i do beleive my little brother would enjoy if he could pull himself away from the atari.

and other than that, life has been rather boring. i do have to go to the library later to turn in a few books that i rented, but that will be much later, and i am hping that kyle will come to chruch with me. he has been in drivers ed. and he passed one of his tests. maybe he can drive me to the movies some time. im friggin BORED!!!

well...not a whole damn lots been going on lately. i have been on a site trying to publish a book im wrote, and im making the sequil in a few minutes, i will be going to church, and i just needed to blog because i havent in a while...and i wouldnt want to dissapoint the only two readers i have because i am so uninteresting no one wants to read my blog.....yeah....
i am watching the butterfly effect, and its about a kid that kissed his friends sister and the brother burned his dog alive....and the kid has black outs....and some kid blew up a baby and her mother....and then everyone is fucked up in the head....
and yeah, that about sums it up.

i visited my cousin torrie, she is still friggin awesome. i stole her computer and spent my time youtube surfing. looking up greenday songs, which brings me to a whole new topic.

i am a green day fan forever. i dont like hannah montanna or the stupid fucking jonas brothers. green day forever, and i remain the loyal fan. they are coming out with a new album, and i do beleive that i will be buying every album they have maide, because they are the best band ever.

and now i am crying because of a really sad art in the movie.......

okay, i have lost the will to write anymore.....

whats been up

my life for the last three days has been hell,life, and death all at the same time. it kills me to be so far away from john. . .but i do beleive that the guy i like in school likes me too! i have been called a living sex toy at school, and kicked many boys in the balls for it. i am not a wonton. [if people even use that term anymore.] and my bestest buddy/cousin kayla decided to do my math homework for me. i am happy because she is a genius, and i prolly got an A. . .
my boyfriedn started humping lockers and pop machines. . .george went to a band festival along with half of the class. i spent an hour outside raking for science class, then went inside second hour and typed a fanfic for the breadwinner. such a good book. . .

my mom had another abnormal papsmeire[sp???] last time that happened, she had servical cancer. she doesnt have a servix or whatever anymore, so she cant have cancer. . . i really dont know what to make of anything. its bad enough that my mom's internet boyfriend wants her to get on a plain over to carolina and go skydiving, scoobadiving, and sailing across the ocean. hell, she wont even get on a boat or a plain!

and i have been on the internet. twitter mostly. its quick and easy, and im starting to get some of my friends at school into it too.
i have been looking up loads of saosin and weird al. just some funny and meaningfu songs about not being alone, and how the back street boys are all gay.
and whenever i go into my room, i always get this urge to play on my piano. it isnt in key im afraid, but its still fun to make music on it. i have been drawing a hole lot better lately too. i guess i have a new insperation for gory art. bleeding and crying people with their hands chained to walls. . .it lookes like they were in a saw movie. . .

my chihuahua is starring at me like i am a freak, so i guess i should go now.

a song to describe

i have a song for my big brother john pavlick. it might not describe everything, but it is close to what i want to say.

Green day. "time of your life"

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.


have a good life john, come and visit, and dont forget your scatter brained little sister from central lake. im glad your making it somewhere in your life. you might be moving away from your friends and your mother, but your walking intoa new chapter of life. your still young, so please make the best of the life you have ahead of you, and dont forget the previouse chapters. say hello to your big bro for me. i dont know the guy, but just say it anyways.

and email me you niglecting son of a bitch! [no i was not insulting your mother.] do you know what it does to me when you dont email me? i think your forgetting me! and i dont want to be forgotten by the only big brother that has ever treated me right!

send me emails with pics and music and whatever other junk you want. if you ever need to talk, im here, just like every other one of your friends. i can do anything that they can. including play the guitar,piano, write manga and books, draw awesome pics and everything! and i promise i might let you see whats becoming of me in pics too. make your life john, dont break it at a hot dog stand or a mcdonalds. . .that might make you fat. naahh, never mind. you move around too much to get fat.

confusion

i have never felt like i neaded to talk to john more than right now. my uncle just popped by, and i felt very uncomfortable. i didnt get much done around the house, and i couldnt use my little brother as an excuse to get him out. i dont mind my uncle-when he's being appropriate.

but he almost crossed my imaginary line. seriously.

Multi-subjective

not sure that multi-subjective is even a word, but alot has been going on, and not much has been happining.
i have devoted myself to praying for johns job so that he wont leave me AND NEVER COME BACK. . . .and i have a new love interest. . .besides the two people im dating. . .i know, im really bad, but i didnt have time to tell the other guy that i wanted to break up with him for this other guy, so next time i talk to him, i have to tell him, because its bad to cheat!
i finished a ass load of books last week, six of them total. nora roberts circle trilogy and maggie shayne's vampire series. each series has three books. img oing back to the library to drop them off and get me and my mother some new books. and i am writing ANOTHER story. its called the night society. its really cool so far, i have 40 pages. and since john is busy and he might be moving away. . .[god forbid he leave me. . .] he wont be being my editor like he promised a LONG time ago. . .lol, the memories. . .
and as for my new love interest, his name is george thayer. he's a tall blue eyed blond. he is skinny and moscular at the same time because he halls wood. and he is just as smart as me [better in math] and he loves to read. i sit next to him in english an geography. we both are almost finished with our reading anigment that we started today. its a book called the breadwinner. its about this girl from afghanistan that has to dress like a boy because women arent aloud to be seen in that country because of the rules that the taliban made up. her father was arrested, so she has to cut her hair and act like a guy and take care of her family.
its a really good book so far, but george thinks it would be more realistic if the girls in the story got raped by the soldiers like they do in real life. O.o
me and him started reading comics together in the middle of class, and i starred at him as he gave his science report for mrs. brown. we were doing weather studies.
im actually getting a C in science! yay me!!! i usually get and F! but i did get one in math. . .

i have to do dishes now, so by. . .

friggin stellar

um. . .i am actually very random this week. i got a library card and was happy. . .
i got to talk to john and spend the most time with him i ever have. . .[ 20 min at most]
and then i got this awesome dress. . .its black and silky. kyle and i have been glued to our phones. . .micheal guy asked me out. . .my ex asked me out. . .i found out one of my best friends has a crush on me.
my friend hailey came over and went to church with me on wendsday, and she is coming over again this saterday to go to my other church in gaylord with me. and i said yes to james. his hair is growing back, and he's looking good i guess.
he's been smothering me with attention all day. and while everyone else is happy for me, my friend kayla is kinda pissed. she calls dibs on beating the hell on him if he breaks up with me again.

AND THE BEST THING . . .

i found some black eyeliner on my floor. ^_^

CHILDREN HAVE RULES!!!

aha, this week has been most interesting. ive done alot of cool stuff and bad stuff. [nothing really bad.] i have been on spring break since friday, and im going back to school on tuesday. me and caleb have had our ups and downs, and me and kyle took up text living. yes, he tells me good morning every morning, and texts me when im bored. [usualy something dirty]
caleb and i had our first argument where i clawed his eyes out and bared my fangs at him. I WON THAT BATTLE. and then he apologised and asked if we could just be friends. i said yes because im tired of fighting with people.

me and my aunt nessa went to the lybrary and checked out some awesome books, and then we went to a new store in town. [my aunt nessa has a problem with going into places alone.] she baught her dog a mini tux! he is a white shitsu names nitro.
i checked out this really cool and expensive dress . . .it was purple and long flowing and eligant . . .T_T
me and aunt nessa then went to the corner store where we baught sub sandwiches and pop, then we drove around town for a lil while to kill time.

and today, our bus worker matt got his buss licence and drove us to church. i saw heidi after like forever. kyle hid behind me all day because of the people picking on him. i found out that pastor hagland likes to text. O.o
and then after spending time at the adult servise with caleb and simona [ i fell asleep on her sholder] i met up with kyle and we baught a pop and then faught over who got the front seat of matts car. and since kyle is 14 and i am 13, he got the front seat. [dammit] me,zack,noah, and kyles little sister kaylie went to bc pizza playland. me and kyle followed the little kids into the big play structure. i found out kyle was chlosterphobic! we went in eight times, and by the time we stopped, he was totally un able to breath. but i guess we wroked on out flexibility. you have to be really lith to be able to go all the way through the big and narrow structure in under 1 minute!

and i am now content in my home watching my favorite neice [destiny] sleep. she's sooo cute! and by far my favorite neice out of the three i have! she's the cutist too...she hasnt cried in the two days weve had her, and she smiles alot. and she sleeps all through the night! lol


ttyl

LOL

i am so weird right now. i just got a letter form caleb flayharty [aka turtle]
he has been confessing his undying love for me all through the week. he even called me his queen. i guess i am a little bit attractive. and apperintly i have inspired his to stop drinking/smoking and doing drugs. and he thinks that i was sent to him by god. um...if I was sent by anyone, it wouldnt be god. but anyway, i seem to have done a good job helping him out with some problems. but it seems to be having a weird affect on him when he sees me interacting with john and kyle...he knew i wanted to talk to john last week, so he started talking to him. and when i hugged kyle [cos he's awesome] cayleb got all jelouse and stormed off. i was so trippy . . .

................

well, my power is being shut off over here. i am depressed and quite possibly moving to kansas or carolina this year.....um.....yeah, i am suffering from a major lack of interest in anything right now, so i cant continue this post. but i wont be posting back unless something good happens.

Multi-subjective

well, sunday was a day i like to brag about. if your a vampire geek, then you would be exited about being bitten on the wrist by another vampire geek. it hurt like hell, but kyle bit me.
there are only two people i would liekt o bite in this world [that i have a chance with] kyle, wich i might bite him next weak, and one other.......he knows who he is....i hope, i have made my love for him very obviouse on many ocasions....

ever get the feeling your pouring your heart into something, and getting no where at all? its a very frusterating feeling, but i guess it cant be helped. all i can really do is be happy for him and his so far so good relationship.

but it really didnt help that he was soooooo hot when i saw him last....sparkling brown eyes and beautiful tan skin....tall slim body.....carelessly beautiful hair.......

GOD DAMMIT WHY CANT I HAVE ANY LUCK WITH GUYS??? IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A MAN THAT WILL LOVE ME, AND WANT TO BE LOVED BY ME???
IS IT SO RONG FOR ME TO WANT TO LAUGH WITH A GUY AND WATCH A MOVIE WITH HIM, OR KISS HIM? EVERYTIME I THINK I FINALLY FOUND THAT GUY, HE TURNS OUT TO BE A USER!

srsly, james was the worst mistake of my life. i probably should have got that when he started to stick his hands down my pants or up my shirt, but god....now that im watching him do it to some one else, its really easy to see. how could i be so blind? and now that i know what an ugly personality he has, i can see that he was also nasty looking physically....in the face anyway.


i wrote a poem a little while ago.....my teacher read it over my shoulder and said he liked it.

i feel like im fading
my heart beats are numbered
my breathing will stop
my body will slumber

away from the depression
broken away, im free
im n a place where i can be happy
my eyes are open and i can see

theres no crying in this place
only happyness abd bliss
i look down to my life
and there are some things i think ill miss

but for now ill watch them live
and be happy for there life
i have no regrets for where i am
but a new respect for time

i was foolish to end it there
when i had so many years ahead
i should have thought of the people i left
but i thought of my pain instead



i know its a long poem, but i had a lot of time on my hands.......

men from apes???

last night, after pkaying a rather fun game of sims at my aunt nessa's house, i listened into a copnversation about the apes in africa. apperintly, people have been following these monkies around, and are shocked to find out that the way these things solve there problems, is sex.

yes, they followed several apesaround, and when they would fight, it would almost always end in sex. the monkies have oral sex, bisexual sex, gay sex, and face to face sex.

OMG ISNT THAT FRICKIN CREEPY. KINDA MAKES YOU BELEIVE THE HOLE EVALUTION THING!!!!!

my mom was watching late tv when she found this out. the screen had to be sencered because of the hole thing.

isnt curch supposed to be comforting?

all the way to the church, from the minute i got on the buss, i was picked on merssalissly.
the high schoolers called me a stupid lezbo, and if that not enough, they started picking on me because i was emo. they called me edward scissor hands. so naturaly, i blew up.

i screamed at matt scott and called him a stupid eskimo hooker. and then i turned to mike buttler and called him a butt munch. then i yelled at nick ingersaw. he is just a douche.
and for you info, i was yelling all of this. like, really loud.

and then all through church they would whisper and joke about what a little freak i was.
so i started beatting the crap out of them. and i got in trouble for it. oh well, it was worth it.

but now i will be getting ready for my neices birthday. little ovne joy is turning two years old on saterday. i am going present shopping.

lonely

okay, i thought i could handle it at least a year without cutting. but i guess not. i started again. but what do you expect? life is shit right now. i dont have much to do either, to take my mind off of things. but i am going to church in a few. kyle is a new uptake in my life, but im depressed that, with one thing that comes up, something goes away. and it just so happins to be the most important thing in my life.

i had a dream last night that my mom was going to die of cancer, and that i was going to die soon after. i guess the dream has me scared, because when i was asleep, i was thinking. i was actualy searching through my mind about my reasons for living. friends...family...my future...

but all of it seems really insignificant if the most important person in my life might be leaving for up to four years....i dont know if he/she will remember me when he/she comes back. and thats what scares me. i never really thought of myself as a memorable person. and thats most likely why.

gotta go, buss is here.

Techno, electro, disco IDC

i have found the god of all electronic music!!! and this godly band is called "basshunter"
omg omg they write the most amazing songs!

dota is the first one i herd. it is in swedish, but the beat is fantabulistic!
the second is their remake of the numa numa song. also very amazing. its sung by a chick, so its not gay.
the third is their most amazing song. its titled "all i ever wanted." it is by far my favorite.
and the last song i herd is called "now your gone" it is kinda sad, but it has amazing sound. it would make any disco geek a happy person forever!!! yay! go basshunter.

LYRICS "ALL I EVER WANTED" BY: BASSHUNTER

All I ever wanted
was to see you smiling
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see

All I ever wanted
was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted was you and me

All I ever wanted was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted was you and me

(drum and bass)
I'm so alone
here on my own
and I'm waiting for you to come
I want to be
a part of you
think of all the things we could do

and everyday, you're in my head
I want to have you in my bed
you are the one, you're in my eyes
all I ever wanted in my life

All I ever wanted was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted was you and me

All I ever wanted was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted was you and me

(are you ready)
all I ever wanted was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted was you and me

all I ever wanted!

my family history

i got curious when i was larning some things on my cousin colton and his recent night terror.
me and my aunt nessa got intoa convorsation about my aunt vallory, who was possesed by a demon for a time. then we got to talking about why our family is very suceptable to demonic things. waaaaaaay waaaay long ago, two tibes went to war, and one of them won. the females of that tobe were brought captive into the other village, and the cheif had sex with one of the other capataive females. she produced a son. the cheif passed him off as his pure blood son, and when the cheif died, the son became cheif. it was later learned that the mother of the son, was a shaman woman. and that tribe of indians was never pure blood again. the shaman woman passed her gifts of precognition and spiritual awareness on for generations, then it reached my great great grandma. she fancied herself to be a wicken/witch [ is there a diff???] and then she passed that trait onto my great grandma jean, who also thought herself a witch. when she died, she passed the gift onto my aunt vall. aunt vall was into some really weird shit. wigi board and everything. and after jean died, she came to vall in a dream and kissed her on the forehead. vall emediantly got sick and began to puke. alot. she got to the point to where she was too aware of the gift, and began to see things like spritits and death. she saw a woman she knew hanging in her door way. it wasnt really there. but the next day she found out that the woman really had hanged herself.
then came the possesion. she was very sick, and she almost died. she even tried to kill the rest of her family. she threw the pastor acrossed the room!
my grandma beverly was a very godly woman, and she expelled the demons out of my aunt using gods name, and telling the demons that god wasa god, and that she was a child of god, and that they must leave my aunt vall. a day later, vall had been cured. she then learbed how to ignore the hole gift all together. weird things still happen, but she ignored them. the most recent thing is the messages that grandma bev sends each of her gifted children. vall got a phone call from grandma's old number. but no one was on the other line.
it was ew years when vall called the number again and got a BUSSY signal. it just so happened that my mother was praying at that same time. grandma had been bussy. and dead.
the next sign was when mom asked for a sign that grnadm,a was watching. she got a blank text message from no one. just after asking for the sign.
the next sign was with aunt vanessa. she had a dream that grnadma was telling her to tell vall that something was going to happen. now, whenever we think about it, we all think about vall's daughter mikhaila. she has some problems and stuff. and when we have dejavu or some intuision feeling, we are NEVER wrong. my aunt can actualy feel the presence of "spirits" that have passed on, and left there strong escence behind. we seem to al;l be maganets for weird happenings. colton has night terrors every couple of months. we all kinda wonder whats going t happen next. who is going to have the gift passed onto them. we try to block out this awareness, so that it will dissapear and stop haunting us. we ingore weird things, or the chances are, we will start seeing dead people and then get attacked by evil demons. right now, after learning these things from my family, i m starting to get the feeling of not being alone. that would be my que to stop talking about it.

but as for my day. i spent it in gaylord with aunt mellody and vanessa, and cousin torrie.
we went to a strp mall called second act. i left my purse in the dressing room. it had all my makeup and my 20 bucks in it. and my frickin tooth brush!
then we went to good will. we didnt do much there. then we went to the hippy store called trash.
then we went to some stupid quilt store. i didnt do much there but chek out guys in there weird crappy cars.
then we went to GFS. then we all went to burger king. me and toria were being hotted and hollered at by some really immature boys. "hey babe!" " hows it hangin???" they shouted. i laughed my ass off. they pumped up the rapp music too. but me and torrie preffure mettle. rap is soooo stupid.
and then we went home. yaaaaay. i played the nintendo wii for the first time. then i died my hair to my natural color. dark brown. yay.

linkin park speaks the truth [sometimes]

Turn my mike up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I'm dumping

Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Risk something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before
Like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for

Like this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and abandon poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the cheque
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect

For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

[Chorus:]
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react or get blown into fractions

Ten years old it's something to see
Another kid my age drugged under a jeep

Taken and bound and found later under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me

Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the dust from bullet proof vests away

It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday

There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like "what did he say?"

[Chorus x6]

[x6]
With hands held high into the sky so blue,
As the ocean opens up to swallow you.



i feel that this well writtin song speaks truth for modern day america, as well as many other places in the world that are torn by war and starvation. [ middle east]

i wish there was a way to end the suffering all together. but i guess only god has a power like that.

today was a horrid day. yeah, john finally emailed me and i replied, but my boy friend broke up with me!
he says he doesnt have a problem with me, he is just...bored....with...me...


AM I BORING???

RYUUZAKI FROM DEATH NOTE!!!!

okay, the only reason i posted this pic of ruuzaki is because i am experimenting with the pictures.

and i think this guy is really hot.

CHOCOLATE

okay, so i just had four reces peanutbutter cups and some chocolate trailmix and hot coco...i have a sugar high, and i will be leaving for night church in a moment....i have a few thing so say...

THERE IS A 50 % CHNACE THAT YOU MIGHT BE KIRA!!!!!! i totally stole that from my fav anime death note....

john!!!! if ur reading this, you need to post more. i know your busy and everything, but im more important than work!!! just kidding. you need to buy a car and get out of your moms house. your old enough now.

yet another happy post!!!

yaaaay i am hyped up on hot chocolate! and i just went to the store and talked for an hour with my best friend sammy!!! remember my very first blog post??? well, she was the chik that helped me right that post, and we herassed john!!!
somethin about caitlynn....

but anyway, i is happy!!!! i also just got done doing the dishes, and my mom once again kicked out the asshole that ruined all of our lives! and we got these weird signes from god!

last year when my grandma died, my mother found out that andy shepard was cheating on her.
he had prayed for some sign that she was up in heaven watching us, and then his phone beeped. but then when he checked it, it was an empty text!

next thing that happened was my aunt and uncle went to see my grandma's grave sight, and the words on the stone are " i have no greater joy then to know my children waslk in truth." they started to pray fro my mama and then something told them to have my mama go to the grave sight. when she did with my other aunt, she had prayed about out situation, and then all of the sudden, a bird comes up right to them and lands on the head stone. it landed right over the word "truth". mama said somethin on the lines of " its okay mama i know the truth." and then all of the sudden, the solar light on my mama's side of the stone light up! they only light up at dark time, so it shouldnt have light up.

the next sign was earlier today, when mama was preying for a sign t help us figuer out if andy is still a cheat. mom felt a rush of cold air, and then her cell phone beeped. it was a call from andy. she has him listed as "the liar." she clicked the ignore button, and then it dawned on her. god was telling her to "ignore the liar."

it was then that she told me all of this stuff, and i felt a cold blast of air at my feet. the room is insulated on all sides. and it is very wamr in there. there shouldnt be any cold air around.
but i felt it. so i prayed to god to let the demons be expelled away from us. the cold air didnt dissapear until mom finshed with her story! she thinkes it might have been grandma!

weird things happen in my life right now. my grandma died a year ago on november 8th. she was a very godly woman. she was very kind too, always smiling and finding ways to help people. i guess god just decided he wanted her to come home. so she did.
but things have happened since, like my little causin neveah went into the bathroom then she went to my sister shanna and told her that she saw grandma. shanna went to look for a picture of grandma in the bathroom, but there wasnt one! and then a few days later, my neice ovney said the same thing, except she said that she saw her "sun grammy" and she saw her by the stairs! but shanna looked again, and there was nothing! shanna's children have a hystory of seeing people that passed on. neveah said that her grandpa was in his truck, and he wanted her to go for a ride with him, when she went to ask shanna, and shanna went to see, grandpa mcqueen was no were to be found. and heres the thing...he died two years ago.

so that just goes to show you that weird things do happen, and when you get the feeling your being watched, you most likely are!

my silver lining

well, it would seem that the cloud of depression in my life is ending. it has been six months and i have not involved my self with cutting! or smoking!
oh oh oh!!! and my birth day is this sunday!!!! omg omg omg and i died my hair red! its like a cherry red on the top and then it fades out to like a fiery orange!

i went to a dance on valintines day and met my ex-boyfriend mathew meadows. omg i still love him...but anyway! he got me a rose! wich its really funny because my current boy friend didnt get me anything. oh well, im not all that caught up in him anymore. i have better FRIENDS to drool over. *caugh* john *caugh*

well, my main emotional train right now is happy, even though the snow is back. T_T

i have taken up drawing again! and i got back on quizilla and started to read and write again!
oh! and i think i feel good enough to make a few more comments then a lyric!

did you know that if you were insainly smart and you lived off of candy, you wouldnt get fat. your brain would eat up all of the extra callories! but you would have to be enstine or something....

i just found out that their are three different ways to translate the numa numa song into english!


LYRIC OF THE DAY: THE NUMA NUMA SONG!!!! "dragostai din tei"

Mai-Ya-Hi
Mai-Ya-Hoo
Mai-Ya-Ha
Mai-Ya-Ha-Ha

(Beginning2 2x)
Mai-Ya-Hi
Mai-Ya-Hoo
Mai-Ya-Ha
Mai-Ya-Ha-Ha

Hello, Salute, It's me, Your Duke
And I made something thats real to show you
alrivee

Hello, Heelloo, It's me, Picasso
I will play (beep) My words of love,
with your name on every one.
(Chorus)
When you leave my calla frase to graa
Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A

Every words of love I use to say.
Now I beg to death everyday.
when you leave my calla frase to graa
don't leave another stain,
the roboa colors fade away
Every words of love I use to say.
Now I beg to death everyday.

(phrase 2)
I saw, my streams, my song and dreams
and I brought something to match the colors
of my love.

Hello, Helloo, It's me again, Picasso.
I will spread, the words of love with your name on every one.

(Chorus)
When you leave my calla frase to graa
Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A
Every words of love I use to say.
Now I beg to death everyday.
when you leave my calla frase to grain

don't leave another stain,
the roba colors fade away
Every words of love I use to say.
Now I beg to death everyday.

(ending 2x)
Mai-Ya-HiMai-Ya-HooMai-Ya-HaMai-Ya-Ha-Ha
(ending 2x)
Mai-Ya-Hi (Ma Mi A)
Mai-Ya-Hoo (Ma Mi A)
Mai-Ya-Ha (Ma Mi A)
Mai-Ya-Ha-Ha

(Chorus)
When you leave my calla frase to graa
Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A
Every words of love I use to say.
Now I beg to death everyday.
When you leave my calla frase to grain
don't leave another stain, the roba colors fade away
Every words of love I use to say.Now I beg to death everyday.


weird eh? since the band is originally romanian, the words sound a little weird, but it totally frickin rocks!.....well, i guess its more like a techno disco.....

A HAPPY POST!!!

as the tittle clearly states, this is indeed a happy post! the snow up here in the small village of central lake, is melting!!! i have my windows down and i am soaking up the wonderful smell of springtime!
and as for today, i am fairly happy with my love life, for my james was in a very happy mood, so as to the point he had the jidderz!!! he actually gave me a hug after the last two weeks we havnt been talking! omg i am happy. but to my dissapontment, i missed church on sunday after going to my little brothers grandmothers house. i dont really think she likes me, and it is hard to like her after what her son did to my mother, but either way, she is still family, so i decided i would take the opertunity to get over to her house that weakend. i got to go swimming at a hotel in potosky, and i ate out at mcdonalds!

i also want to highly recomend the friersgate series. they are a very well written series of books!
it follows rosumund bolton in her twisted love life as she fights to gain her rightful inharitance from her evil uncle henry. she falls in love many times with a earl of glenkirk and a noble knight of the kings court. then when both of them die off, she falls in the love with her brazin scotts lover, and they have many kids after rosumund bore three daughters from the knight.

the weires continues onto the story of her eldest daughter phillipa who is rjected from the mans she thought she loved, and then finds another man, the earl of witton, and marries him, and they fall in lo9ve gradualy, and she has many sons.

that book is also followed by the book, the last heiress, a tale about rosumunds last daugheter names elizabeth. she is the only one of rosumunds three daughters who is willing to take friersgate. and it is the only thing she loves, untill she meats her brazin scott, names baen mcoll, who is the bastard of a land owner. he and elizabeth fall in love and she becomes pregant, and they are wed together.


the book series consost of the books:

rosumund
untill you
phillippa
the last heiress

beleive me when i say they are very interesting books.

PLZ READ

IF ANYONE SEES THAT I HAVE POSTED, AND HAS THE TIME, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD JUST READ!!!

i have had a frickin long week, and i absalutely hate being ignored. it is higher up on my black list then boiling live wolf puppies!!!

so far, everything has gone crapish, in a strangly good way. i was asked out by a girl i know on myspace tpday, and i said no without feeling guitly. i got an email from john, spelled a bunch of words wrong, then read his post on his blog.

i have been re-reading the twilight series, for i have nothing else to do with my time. it is very frusterating to have writers block, and a very energetic aunt who cant wait for me to send her the next chapter.

but on the down side, my dad is a very sensative old man, and he found a dead guy at work on friday. he texted me, seeiming very heart broken. he had been touched by how young the man was. i could only emagin how scared my dad is. the guy was in his late thirties at the least . . . and my father is fifty two years old.

and another set back, my boy friend james, as in love with him as i might be, is starting to get a little on my nerves. when he is at school, wich is two days out of six, he is more or less dead with depression.

here is a play back of our last words to eachother.

james: nothing makes me happy anymore. nothing ever has. it was only a mask.
me: im sorry to here that. can i make it better any? * i dont make him happy!?*
james: no there isnt anything you can do.
me: do you want me to leave? i can give you a minute alone . . .
james: do whatever you want.

i had gone to a corner and started to cry thinking things like " im unwanted and unecesary" or "no one wants me and i dont make him happy." i let the guy fricking grab my boobs for crying out loud! he's fondles me in places he shouldnt even touch! and then he goes and tosses me aside like a used tishue paper!
anyway, kayla had found me crying and placed a comforting arms around my shoulder and let me cry.
the next day when i chickened out of school, she and james had gotten into a fight that apperintly didnt end on the best terms . . .
and he wasnt there the next day. how predictable.

im so sick of guys right now. the only guy i want to see or hear from in john. he has a very comforting aura, and he says that he's still my big brother. but i am beyond trusting what people say. im trying to numb myself to any of this. maybe it would be eaier to . . .cope with it all if i could just numb myself to these feelings. but the only way to do that is to find someone else, someone more loving to distract me. but that would only repeat itself wouldnt it?
i would end up miserable again.

i look at my posts and then at johns, and i am jelous. he is able to talk about things that make him happy, and at the moment, i cant think of anything that makes me happy.
i wish i could end my post on the same happy notes he ends his on. so im going to give it a shot.

today i laid in bed and ate food and read the last of the twilight series, not thinking of any of my problems. i felt happy for the long hours i spent submurged in a another life, and i am eager to return to my world of make beleive.

heart brake

heart brake seemes to be the main word for how to discribe me lately.
i havnt been on lately, but i have been cought up. but its not like anyone really reads this anyway. no one cares.
my boyfriend desided he didnt like his beautiful hair, and he cut it all off. im sorry to have to say this, but he is not even remotly cute anymore. i still like his eyes though...
and to make matters worse, he's getting home schooled. i wont see him anymore.

have you ever felt like your heart is being ripped? or maybe you feel like your heart was cut out. i ended up having to hold myself together today. everytime i smiled, it was fake, and i felt liek there was a throbbing feeling in my chest. i had to breath in and out deeply each time i needed air.
i cried myself to sleep last night too. the only reason i stopped cutting was so i would dissapoint anyone [for instance my big bro john]
well, i cant see him anymore because his mom hates me and he's got a girl friend. i like to see them together, but i would like to at least be able to say hi. and saying hi to a really hot guy thats takin, just seems plain rude to me, so i dont do it.
so my first words last nigth before i started balling were " i miss john!"

and then there was the issue with the hole "my hearts been torn in two" thing. that only sent stabbing pains through my chest. and i ended up crying harder. it seems like all the people i want to keep in my life, are going away.

oh well, who cares right. i dont have a reason for not cutting. not the one i saw as my big brother, and not the one that i desided i loved.

mmmmm

wow, things are going rather slow today. i have been spending most of my time on my new myspace playing vampire games. when i wasnt doing that, i was writing in my story. it now has a grand total of 74 pages.

i am so bord right now...i just might head in to bed....

exams...

today was a good day, all in all.
my boy friend managed to stay in school the whole day! and the science exams wernt reallt that har4d, i fact, all i really had to do was conduct an experiment on what bubble gum brnad was better for blowing bubles!

it was bubble yum and extra mint vs hubba bubba max.

my conclusion was hubba bubba was the winner!

and i have decided, that despite james' age, i will keep him. he is getting held back. again.
its not that he sint smart, he is just lazy. and he hardly comes to school. and he doesnt dress for gym class....

but other than that, my day consisted of getting my boobs grabbed by james, then he grabbed my butt. not funny...

then he stole money from me. fun. and then he asked me to help him with a home prject he is doing. i have to draw pictures for him so he can make somethin outta them. i havnt seen what it is he is doing yet.

so i drew a few pictures. one was of a girl giving a wounded wolf a hug.
the other was a woman standing in the rain.
the other was a man and a woman that hung themselves holding hands.
and then another was of an angel getting her right wing torn off.

WHAT!? I WAS HAVING A DEPRESSING DAY!!! sort of....i might start my monthly soon. idk.


well, since i am alone in my house with my little brother, i have time to post a song of the day!!!


SONG OF THE DAY: JASON MRAZ "im yours"

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run outI'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dearAnd i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed

I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours

Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours

OH SHIT!!!

aww can i ever get a frickin brake!? whats rong witht his? im happy for one seconed and its all ruined!
james never showes up to school for more than a frickin hour, andi found out, according to him, he is six teen years old!
what the hell?!

i love the guy, but did i really have to pick the one i can but cant have. again.

its john pavlick all over again, except this is more tempting, and he wants me back!

oh what am i going to do??? in a year he will be seventeen, and it will be frickin elegal!

well...he looks fourteen...

Equilevant exchange

i learned recently that there has to be a balance of good and bad in my life.

today, after three days, my boy friend shows up. but then in gym i got pounded.
i bruised my knuckle,hip,elbow,face, and gut playing basketball...

i got a kiss from my boy friend and i bit his lip. ACCENDENTALLY!!!

he grabbed my ass....

but then my good buddy lee showed up in the store. we followed our rutine thingy. he saw me, smiled, ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. i smelt his breath and found out that he had been drinking, and stopped going to church because he is gay, and a "wicken"

but yeah. i dont really care what he does as long as he is my vampiric gay bitch.

but today is full of ups and downs, and i am happy

no time to post lyrics today. gotta go.

such a long day

well, im pretty happy today. heres why.

i am happy about not smoking! i havnt let colton [my crazy cousin] talk me into smoking! yayy!!!
i havnt let ANYONE at all, talk me into drinking and or having pre meridal sex!
i have not cut myself in over four months!
i got another kiss ON THE LIPS from my awesome boyfriend! and it was in front of alot of people too....*blush*

but yeah, the only thing dragging me down today is my hurting legs...you ever get a really really bad head ache? well, try havning it focused on other parts of your body! it HURTS!

my mom went over to my aunts house to exersise! what is it with people and exerising this year???
i even tried to do some tie-chi
and then there was that freaky lower body work out thing me and my little brother tried...i was sore the next day...

i havnt been updating my manuscript lately. im running out of good ideas...but ill get over it soon, i hope. it would suck if writers block ended my career before it really began.
but anyway, my X-boy friend kenny started to show off one of my previously givin up on mauscripts, and people actually said they would pay to help me publish it!

i dont really think im good at much, but people like to contradict me all the time.
i say i need to work on my anime, they say im already at perfection.
i say that my singing sucks, they remind me i won 100 bucks for 1st place in a tallent show.
i say that i cant write stories, they say that im really good!

see how that works? its like, reverse sphycoligy [SP???] or something like that...

but anyway, i dont have my handy dandy book of lyrics right now...and my legs arnt up to getting it, so you'll have to go without a love song for today!!!

JOHN!!! SING THE SONG FROM MY LAST POST TO LYNN!!! SHE WILL ADORE YOU FOREVERZ!!!

um...its 2009..

ahh. time goes by so fast. it seems like only yesterday when i was waching the ball dropp for 2003...but that was actualy a long time ago. if you words comeout jumbled at all, it is because i am on a extra sensative key board, but the space bar sucks...


i am at y aunt nessa's house sitting with my famous uncle tonny...heis coplaining about being over heated...im actualy freezing right now...

my aunt gave me a makeover today. i now have silver eyes and blue eye lashis.

but on the upside , i am on a break through with my story. nessa got ad when she read the end of my prologue. i ended it with a cliff hanger.

well, i dont have a fast computer right now, so i cant post lyrics...nd i have nothing else to say really....bye bye for now.