heart brake

heart brake seemes to be the main word for how to discribe me lately.
i havnt been on lately, but i have been cought up. but its not like anyone really reads this anyway. no one cares.
my boyfriend desided he didnt like his beautiful hair, and he cut it all off. im sorry to have to say this, but he is not even remotly cute anymore. i still like his eyes though...
and to make matters worse, he's getting home schooled. i wont see him anymore.

have you ever felt like your heart is being ripped? or maybe you feel like your heart was cut out. i ended up having to hold myself together today. everytime i smiled, it was fake, and i felt liek there was a throbbing feeling in my chest. i had to breath in and out deeply each time i needed air.
i cried myself to sleep last night too. the only reason i stopped cutting was so i would dissapoint anyone [for instance my big bro john]
well, i cant see him anymore because his mom hates me and he's got a girl friend. i like to see them together, but i would like to at least be able to say hi. and saying hi to a really hot guy thats takin, just seems plain rude to me, so i dont do it.
so my first words last nigth before i started balling were " i miss john!"

and then there was the issue with the hole "my hearts been torn in two" thing. that only sent stabbing pains through my chest. and i ended up crying harder. it seems like all the people i want to keep in my life, are going away.

oh well, who cares right. i dont have a reason for not cutting. not the one i saw as my big brother, and not the one that i desided i loved.