PLZ READ

IF ANYONE SEES THAT I HAVE POSTED, AND HAS THE TIME, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD JUST READ!!!

i have had a frickin long week, and i absalutely hate being ignored. it is higher up on my black list then boiling live wolf puppies!!!

so far, everything has gone crapish, in a strangly good way. i was asked out by a girl i know on myspace tpday, and i said no without feeling guitly. i got an email from john, spelled a bunch of words wrong, then read his post on his blog.

i have been re-reading the twilight series, for i have nothing else to do with my time. it is very frusterating to have writers block, and a very energetic aunt who cant wait for me to send her the next chapter.

but on the down side, my dad is a very sensative old man, and he found a dead guy at work on friday. he texted me, seeiming very heart broken. he had been touched by how young the man was. i could only emagin how scared my dad is. the guy was in his late thirties at the least . . . and my father is fifty two years old.

and another set back, my boy friend james, as in love with him as i might be, is starting to get a little on my nerves. when he is at school, wich is two days out of six, he is more or less dead with depression.

here is a play back of our last words to eachother.

james: nothing makes me happy anymore. nothing ever has. it was only a mask.
me: im sorry to here that. can i make it better any? * i dont make him happy!?*
james: no there isnt anything you can do.
me: do you want me to leave? i can give you a minute alone . . .
james: do whatever you want.

i had gone to a corner and started to cry thinking things like " im unwanted and unecesary" or "no one wants me and i dont make him happy." i let the guy fricking grab my boobs for crying out loud! he's fondles me in places he shouldnt even touch! and then he goes and tosses me aside like a used tishue paper!
anyway, kayla had found me crying and placed a comforting arms around my shoulder and let me cry.
the next day when i chickened out of school, she and james had gotten into a fight that apperintly didnt end on the best terms . . .
and he wasnt there the next day. how predictable.

im so sick of guys right now. the only guy i want to see or hear from in john. he has a very comforting aura, and he says that he's still my big brother. but i am beyond trusting what people say. im trying to numb myself to any of this. maybe it would be eaier to . . .cope with it all if i could just numb myself to these feelings. but the only way to do that is to find someone else, someone more loving to distract me. but that would only repeat itself wouldnt it?
i would end up miserable again.

i look at my posts and then at johns, and i am jelous. he is able to talk about things that make him happy, and at the moment, i cant think of anything that makes me happy.
i wish i could end my post on the same happy notes he ends his on. so im going to give it a shot.

today i laid in bed and ate food and read the last of the twilight series, not thinking of any of my problems. i felt happy for the long hours i spent submurged in a another life, and i am eager to return to my world of make beleive.