PLZ READ

IF ANYONE SEES THAT I HAVE POSTED, AND HAS THE TIME, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD JUST READ!!!

i have had a frickin long week, and i absalutely hate being ignored. it is higher up on my black list then boiling live wolf puppies!!!

so far, everything has gone crapish, in a strangly good way. i was asked out by a girl i know on myspace tpday, and i said no without feeling guitly. i got an email from john, spelled a bunch of words wrong, then read his post on his blog.

i have been re-reading the twilight series, for i have nothing else to do with my time. it is very frusterating to have writers block, and a very energetic aunt who cant wait for me to send her the next chapter.

but on the down side, my dad is a very sensative old man, and he found a dead guy at work on friday. he texted me, seeiming very heart broken. he had been touched by how young the man was. i could only emagin how scared my dad is. the guy was in his late thirties at the least . . . and my father is fifty two years old.

and another set back, my boy friend james, as in love with him as i might be, is starting to get a little on my nerves. when he is at school, wich is two days out of six, he is more or less dead with depression.

here is a play back of our last words to eachother.

james: nothing makes me happy anymore. nothing ever has. it was only a mask.
me: im sorry to here that. can i make it better any? * i dont make him happy!?*
james: no there isnt anything you can do.
me: do you want me to leave? i can give you a minute alone . . .
james: do whatever you want.

i had gone to a corner and started to cry thinking things like " im unwanted and unecesary" or "no one wants me and i dont make him happy." i let the guy fricking grab my boobs for crying out loud! he's fondles me in places he shouldnt even touch! and then he goes and tosses me aside like a used tishue paper!
anyway, kayla had found me crying and placed a comforting arms around my shoulder and let me cry.
the next day when i chickened out of school, she and james had gotten into a fight that apperintly didnt end on the best terms . . .
and he wasnt there the next day. how predictable.

im so sick of guys right now. the only guy i want to see or hear from in john. he has a very comforting aura, and he says that he's still my big brother. but i am beyond trusting what people say. im trying to numb myself to any of this. maybe it would be eaier to . . .cope with it all if i could just numb myself to these feelings. but the only way to do that is to find someone else, someone more loving to distract me. but that would only repeat itself wouldnt it?
i would end up miserable again.

i look at my posts and then at johns, and i am jelous. he is able to talk about things that make him happy, and at the moment, i cant think of anything that makes me happy.
i wish i could end my post on the same happy notes he ends his on. so im going to give it a shot.

today i laid in bed and ate food and read the last of the twilight series, not thinking of any of my problems. i felt happy for the long hours i spent submurged in a another life, and i am eager to return to my world of make beleive.

heart brake

heart brake seemes to be the main word for how to discribe me lately.
i havnt been on lately, but i have been cought up. but its not like anyone really reads this anyway. no one cares.
my boyfriend desided he didnt like his beautiful hair, and he cut it all off. im sorry to have to say this, but he is not even remotly cute anymore. i still like his eyes though...
and to make matters worse, he's getting home schooled. i wont see him anymore.

have you ever felt like your heart is being ripped? or maybe you feel like your heart was cut out. i ended up having to hold myself together today. everytime i smiled, it was fake, and i felt liek there was a throbbing feeling in my chest. i had to breath in and out deeply each time i needed air.
i cried myself to sleep last night too. the only reason i stopped cutting was so i would dissapoint anyone [for instance my big bro john]
well, i cant see him anymore because his mom hates me and he's got a girl friend. i like to see them together, but i would like to at least be able to say hi. and saying hi to a really hot guy thats takin, just seems plain rude to me, so i dont do it.
so my first words last nigth before i started balling were " i miss john!"

and then there was the issue with the hole "my hearts been torn in two" thing. that only sent stabbing pains through my chest. and i ended up crying harder. it seems like all the people i want to keep in my life, are going away.

oh well, who cares right. i dont have a reason for not cutting. not the one i saw as my big brother, and not the one that i desided i loved.

mmmmm

wow, things are going rather slow today. i have been spending most of my time on my new myspace playing vampire games. when i wasnt doing that, i was writing in my story. it now has a grand total of 74 pages.

i am so bord right now...i just might head in to bed....

exams...

today was a good day, all in all.
my boy friend managed to stay in school the whole day! and the science exams wernt reallt that har4d, i fact, all i really had to do was conduct an experiment on what bubble gum brnad was better for blowing bubles!

it was bubble yum and extra mint vs hubba bubba max.

my conclusion was hubba bubba was the winner!

and i have decided, that despite james' age, i will keep him. he is getting held back. again.
its not that he sint smart, he is just lazy. and he hardly comes to school. and he doesnt dress for gym class....

but other than that, my day consisted of getting my boobs grabbed by james, then he grabbed my butt. not funny...

then he stole money from me. fun. and then he asked me to help him with a home prject he is doing. i have to draw pictures for him so he can make somethin outta them. i havnt seen what it is he is doing yet.

so i drew a few pictures. one was of a girl giving a wounded wolf a hug.
the other was a woman standing in the rain.
the other was a man and a woman that hung themselves holding hands.
and then another was of an angel getting her right wing torn off.

WHAT!? I WAS HAVING A DEPRESSING DAY!!! sort of....i might start my monthly soon. idk.


well, since i am alone in my house with my little brother, i have time to post a song of the day!!!


SONG OF THE DAY: JASON MRAZ "im yours"

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run outI'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dearAnd i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed

I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours

Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours

OH SHIT!!!

aww can i ever get a frickin brake!? whats rong witht his? im happy for one seconed and its all ruined!
james never showes up to school for more than a frickin hour, andi found out, according to him, he is six teen years old!
what the hell?!

i love the guy, but did i really have to pick the one i can but cant have. again.

its john pavlick all over again, except this is more tempting, and he wants me back!

oh what am i going to do??? in a year he will be seventeen, and it will be frickin elegal!

well...he looks fourteen...

Equilevant exchange

i learned recently that there has to be a balance of good and bad in my life.

today, after three days, my boy friend shows up. but then in gym i got pounded.
i bruised my knuckle,hip,elbow,face, and gut playing basketball...

i got a kiss from my boy friend and i bit his lip. ACCENDENTALLY!!!

he grabbed my ass....

but then my good buddy lee showed up in the store. we followed our rutine thingy. he saw me, smiled, ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. i smelt his breath and found out that he had been drinking, and stopped going to church because he is gay, and a "wicken"

but yeah. i dont really care what he does as long as he is my vampiric gay bitch.

but today is full of ups and downs, and i am happy

no time to post lyrics today. gotta go.

such a long day

well, im pretty happy today. heres why.

i am happy about not smoking! i havnt let colton [my crazy cousin] talk me into smoking! yayy!!!
i havnt let ANYONE at all, talk me into drinking and or having pre meridal sex!
i have not cut myself in over four months!
i got another kiss ON THE LIPS from my awesome boyfriend! and it was in front of alot of people too....*blush*

but yeah, the only thing dragging me down today is my hurting legs...you ever get a really really bad head ache? well, try havning it focused on other parts of your body! it HURTS!

my mom went over to my aunts house to exersise! what is it with people and exerising this year???
i even tried to do some tie-chi
and then there was that freaky lower body work out thing me and my little brother tried...i was sore the next day...

i havnt been updating my manuscript lately. im running out of good ideas...but ill get over it soon, i hope. it would suck if writers block ended my career before it really began.
but anyway, my X-boy friend kenny started to show off one of my previously givin up on mauscripts, and people actually said they would pay to help me publish it!

i dont really think im good at much, but people like to contradict me all the time.
i say i need to work on my anime, they say im already at perfection.
i say that my singing sucks, they remind me i won 100 bucks for 1st place in a tallent show.
i say that i cant write stories, they say that im really good!

see how that works? its like, reverse sphycoligy [SP???] or something like that...

but anyway, i dont have my handy dandy book of lyrics right now...and my legs arnt up to getting it, so you'll have to go without a love song for today!!!

JOHN!!! SING THE SONG FROM MY LAST POST TO LYNN!!! SHE WILL ADORE YOU FOREVERZ!!!

um...its 2009..

ahh. time goes by so fast. it seems like only yesterday when i was waching the ball dropp for 2003...but that was actualy a long time ago. if you words comeout jumbled at all, it is because i am on a extra sensative key board, but the space bar sucks...


i am at y aunt nessa's house sitting with my famous uncle tonny...heis coplaining about being over heated...im actualy freezing right now...

my aunt gave me a makeover today. i now have silver eyes and blue eye lashis.

but on the upside , i am on a break through with my story. nessa got ad when she read the end of my prologue. i ended it with a cliff hanger.

well, i dont have a fast computer right now, so i cant post lyrics...nd i have nothing else to say really....bye bye for now.