LOL

i am so weird right now. i just got a letter form caleb flayharty [aka turtle]
he has been confessing his undying love for me all through the week. he even called me his queen. i guess i am a little bit attractive. and apperintly i have inspired his to stop drinking/smoking and doing drugs. and he thinks that i was sent to him by god. um...if I was sent by anyone, it wouldnt be god. but anyway, i seem to have done a good job helping him out with some problems. but it seems to be having a weird affect on him when he sees me interacting with john and kyle...he knew i wanted to talk to john last week, so he started talking to him. and when i hugged kyle [cos he's awesome] cayleb got all jelouse and stormed off. i was so trippy . . .

................

well, my power is being shut off over here. i am depressed and quite possibly moving to kansas or carolina this year.....um.....yeah, i am suffering from a major lack of interest in anything right now, so i cant continue this post. but i wont be posting back unless something good happens.

Multi-subjective

well, sunday was a day i like to brag about. if your a vampire geek, then you would be exited about being bitten on the wrist by another vampire geek. it hurt like hell, but kyle bit me.
there are only two people i would liekt o bite in this world [that i have a chance with] kyle, wich i might bite him next weak, and one other.......he knows who he is....i hope, i have made my love for him very obviouse on many ocasions....

ever get the feeling your pouring your heart into something, and getting no where at all? its a very frusterating feeling, but i guess it cant be helped. all i can really do is be happy for him and his so far so good relationship.

but it really didnt help that he was soooooo hot when i saw him last....sparkling brown eyes and beautiful tan skin....tall slim body.....carelessly beautiful hair.......

GOD DAMMIT WHY CANT I HAVE ANY LUCK WITH GUYS??? IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A MAN THAT WILL LOVE ME, AND WANT TO BE LOVED BY ME???
IS IT SO RONG FOR ME TO WANT TO LAUGH WITH A GUY AND WATCH A MOVIE WITH HIM, OR KISS HIM? EVERYTIME I THINK I FINALLY FOUND THAT GUY, HE TURNS OUT TO BE A USER!

srsly, james was the worst mistake of my life. i probably should have got that when he started to stick his hands down my pants or up my shirt, but god....now that im watching him do it to some one else, its really easy to see. how could i be so blind? and now that i know what an ugly personality he has, i can see that he was also nasty looking physically....in the face anyway.


i wrote a poem a little while ago.....my teacher read it over my shoulder and said he liked it.

i feel like im fading
my heart beats are numbered
my breathing will stop
my body will slumber

away from the depression
broken away, im free
im n a place where i can be happy
my eyes are open and i can see

theres no crying in this place
only happyness abd bliss
i look down to my life
and there are some things i think ill miss

but for now ill watch them live
and be happy for there life
i have no regrets for where i am
but a new respect for time

i was foolish to end it there
when i had so many years ahead
i should have thought of the people i left
but i thought of my pain instead



i know its a long poem, but i had a lot of time on my hands.......

men from apes???

last night, after pkaying a rather fun game of sims at my aunt nessa's house, i listened into a copnversation about the apes in africa. apperintly, people have been following these monkies around, and are shocked to find out that the way these things solve there problems, is sex.

yes, they followed several apesaround, and when they would fight, it would almost always end in sex. the monkies have oral sex, bisexual sex, gay sex, and face to face sex.

OMG ISNT THAT FRICKIN CREEPY. KINDA MAKES YOU BELEIVE THE HOLE EVALUTION THING!!!!!

my mom was watching late tv when she found this out. the screen had to be sencered because of the hole thing.

isnt curch supposed to be comforting?

all the way to the church, from the minute i got on the buss, i was picked on merssalissly.
the high schoolers called me a stupid lezbo, and if that not enough, they started picking on me because i was emo. they called me edward scissor hands. so naturaly, i blew up.

i screamed at matt scott and called him a stupid eskimo hooker. and then i turned to mike buttler and called him a butt munch. then i yelled at nick ingersaw. he is just a douche.
and for you info, i was yelling all of this. like, really loud.

and then all through church they would whisper and joke about what a little freak i was.
so i started beatting the crap out of them. and i got in trouble for it. oh well, it was worth it.

but now i will be getting ready for my neices birthday. little ovne joy is turning two years old on saterday. i am going present shopping.

lonely

okay, i thought i could handle it at least a year without cutting. but i guess not. i started again. but what do you expect? life is shit right now. i dont have much to do either, to take my mind off of things. but i am going to church in a few. kyle is a new uptake in my life, but im depressed that, with one thing that comes up, something goes away. and it just so happins to be the most important thing in my life.

i had a dream last night that my mom was going to die of cancer, and that i was going to die soon after. i guess the dream has me scared, because when i was asleep, i was thinking. i was actualy searching through my mind about my reasons for living. friends...family...my future...

but all of it seems really insignificant if the most important person in my life might be leaving for up to four years....i dont know if he/she will remember me when he/she comes back. and thats what scares me. i never really thought of myself as a memorable person. and thats most likely why.

gotta go, buss is here.

Techno, electro, disco IDC

i have found the god of all electronic music!!! and this godly band is called "basshunter"
omg omg they write the most amazing songs!

dota is the first one i herd. it is in swedish, but the beat is fantabulistic!
the second is their remake of the numa numa song. also very amazing. its sung by a chick, so its not gay.
the third is their most amazing song. its titled "all i ever wanted." it is by far my favorite.
and the last song i herd is called "now your gone" it is kinda sad, but it has amazing sound. it would make any disco geek a happy person forever!!! yay! go basshunter.

LYRICS "ALL I EVER WANTED" BY: BASSHUNTER

All I ever wanted
was to see you smiling
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see

All I ever wanted
was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted was you and me

All I ever wanted was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted was you and me

(drum and bass)
I'm so alone
here on my own
and I'm waiting for you to come
I want to be
a part of you
think of all the things we could do

and everyday, you're in my head
I want to have you in my bed
you are the one, you're in my eyes
all I ever wanted in my life

All I ever wanted was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted was you and me

All I ever wanted was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted was you and me

(are you ready)
all I ever wanted was to see you smiling
all I ever wanted was to make you mine
I know that I love you
oh baby why don't you see
that all I ever wanted was you and me

all I ever wanted!

my family history

i got curious when i was larning some things on my cousin colton and his recent night terror.
me and my aunt nessa got intoa convorsation about my aunt vallory, who was possesed by a demon for a time. then we got to talking about why our family is very suceptable to demonic things. waaaaaaay waaaay long ago, two tibes went to war, and one of them won. the females of that tobe were brought captive into the other village, and the cheif had sex with one of the other capataive females. she produced a son. the cheif passed him off as his pure blood son, and when the cheif died, the son became cheif. it was later learned that the mother of the son, was a shaman woman. and that tribe of indians was never pure blood again. the shaman woman passed her gifts of precognition and spiritual awareness on for generations, then it reached my great great grandma. she fancied herself to be a wicken/witch [ is there a diff???] and then she passed that trait onto my great grandma jean, who also thought herself a witch. when she died, she passed the gift onto my aunt vall. aunt vall was into some really weird shit. wigi board and everything. and after jean died, she came to vall in a dream and kissed her on the forehead. vall emediantly got sick and began to puke. alot. she got to the point to where she was too aware of the gift, and began to see things like spritits and death. she saw a woman she knew hanging in her door way. it wasnt really there. but the next day she found out that the woman really had hanged herself.
then came the possesion. she was very sick, and she almost died. she even tried to kill the rest of her family. she threw the pastor acrossed the room!
my grandma beverly was a very godly woman, and she expelled the demons out of my aunt using gods name, and telling the demons that god wasa god, and that she was a child of god, and that they must leave my aunt vall. a day later, vall had been cured. she then learbed how to ignore the hole gift all together. weird things still happen, but she ignored them. the most recent thing is the messages that grandma bev sends each of her gifted children. vall got a phone call from grandma's old number. but no one was on the other line.
it was ew years when vall called the number again and got a BUSSY signal. it just so happened that my mother was praying at that same time. grandma had been bussy. and dead.
the next sign was when mom asked for a sign that grnadm,a was watching. she got a blank text message from no one. just after asking for the sign.
the next sign was with aunt vanessa. she had a dream that grnadma was telling her to tell vall that something was going to happen. now, whenever we think about it, we all think about vall's daughter mikhaila. she has some problems and stuff. and when we have dejavu or some intuision feeling, we are NEVER wrong. my aunt can actualy feel the presence of "spirits" that have passed on, and left there strong escence behind. we seem to al;l be maganets for weird happenings. colton has night terrors every couple of months. we all kinda wonder whats going t happen next. who is going to have the gift passed onto them. we try to block out this awareness, so that it will dissapear and stop haunting us. we ingore weird things, or the chances are, we will start seeing dead people and then get attacked by evil demons. right now, after learning these things from my family, i m starting to get the feeling of not being alone. that would be my que to stop talking about it.

but as for my day. i spent it in gaylord with aunt mellody and vanessa, and cousin torrie.
we went to a strp mall called second act. i left my purse in the dressing room. it had all my makeup and my 20 bucks in it. and my frickin tooth brush!
then we went to good will. we didnt do much there. then we went to the hippy store called trash.
then we went to some stupid quilt store. i didnt do much there but chek out guys in there weird crappy cars.
then we went to GFS. then we all went to burger king. me and toria were being hotted and hollered at by some really immature boys. "hey babe!" " hows it hangin???" they shouted. i laughed my ass off. they pumped up the rapp music too. but me and torrie preffure mettle. rap is soooo stupid.
and then we went home. yaaaaay. i played the nintendo wii for the first time. then i died my hair to my natural color. dark brown. yay.

linkin park speaks the truth [sometimes]

Turn my mike up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I'm dumping

Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Risk something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before
Like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for

Like this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and abandon poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the cheque
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect

For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

[Chorus:]
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react or get blown into fractions

Ten years old it's something to see
Another kid my age drugged under a jeep

Taken and bound and found later under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me

Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the dust from bullet proof vests away

It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday

There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like "what did he say?"

[Chorus x6]

[x6]
With hands held high into the sky so blue,
As the ocean opens up to swallow you.



i feel that this well writtin song speaks truth for modern day america, as well as many other places in the world that are torn by war and starvation. [ middle east]

i wish there was a way to end the suffering all together. but i guess only god has a power like that.