NOT AS BAD AS YOU THINK: January 2010

There was a girl who had everything when she was young, too young to understand about the world around her. She had a mommy she loved, and a father that loved her more than the world.
everything was wonderful, until of course her mom got a new boyfriend and they all moved into a new house. Away from her daddy. She went to see him every other week, but then one day she was told by her mother that she wasnt aloud to see her daddy, because he had done some bad things. She didnt under stand.
So the girl tried to live her best with her new family. Her brother, her mother, and her step dad.
Her step dad and mommy did drugs, so she never saw them much. Her mommy wasnt happy at all, but she entertained herself with the grand garden in the front yard.
Years passed and things happened. The pretty girl with the blond hair was molested by her brother, and her cousin. they were all to young to understand what was happening to them. It didnt matter. she felt like an huge weight had been lifted from her when her mommy found out and made them stop.
But the girl, as she grew, was groing depressed. Her blond hair darkened, her tan skin paled. She lost her interest in the world around her, and the only way to escape the dull colors of the world of dreams. Vibrant and colorfilled. It wasnt long after that she decided she was going to be an artist. She drew and drew and drew until her mind ran blank.
She was always a loner in school, her quiet best friend had moved away. So every lunch hour she'd quietly pick a group of people to sit with and watch, smiling as they ate. No one understood why she wore all black, or why her smiles were so dry. What was wrong with her? She was so skinny. . .
Soon drawing wasnt enough to satisfy her need for a new and colorfull world. She started to write. Fanfiction at first, but as the years progressed on, she started to write her own stories. Stories that stunned people. Awed them.
When she was ten years old, her brother told her what her daddy had done. Told her why he couldnt be her daddy anymore. He had molested her sister.
A year later she got news that her grandma was going to die. She was sad, unsatisfied with life. Why was god doing this to her? Why wasnt he listening? Did he care? Was there really a god?
A little while before her kind grandmother died of Lung cancer, her mommy found out that her step daddy was cheating on her. They moved out after the funeral. they moved into her grandma's house.
Away from the people she called friends, to live next to her aunt and uncle, and their kids. The little girl wasnt so little anymore. She had grown up. Her heart was so black and she was so unsatisfied. she wanted something that life just couldnt give her. Happiness and love. she wanted someone to wrapp her in his warm arms. But that just wouldnt happen. Men were dogs. So she turned to the most honest love she could possibly get. Female love. She didnt care if her mom didnt like it, she was old enough to make her own damn decisions. Especially about her love life.
they couldnt stay in her grandma's house though. It was going to be sold. So her mom got back together with her step dad, but they still werent happy. It was summer, and her church managed to come up with enough money for her to go to church camp. The little girl was so happy her mom said yes. So she went.
She met the most amazing man there. When she first saw him was when he was running with long legs across the church parking lot, ready to load up in the buss that would take them all to the camp. When he got on the buss, the girl had to know who he was, so she inquired to a few of her friends, who giggled as they told her his name. So beautiful. She didnt think she would see him again, as he seemed very popular, and he undoubtedly would be swept away into the large crowed.
but she did see him. Everywhere. In the physical world as well as her mind. His images haunted her, and soon, to her own surprise, she was following him almost everywhere around the church camp. She didnt know if he noticed, but she didnt care. If he was in sight, she was looking at him. Her heart thumped out of her chest whenever his big brown eyes would seemingly look into her own. And she would avert her gaze. She remembered when she finally got the courage to say something to him. Well, she had help, and he was the first to speak. she shook his hand, blushing at how soft it was, even if the fingertips were slightly caloused.
they became friends, keeping close contact even after she returned home. they talked on the internet and saw eachother at church. It was a while before she managed to tell him her feelings. Though she had a feeling he already knew. He didnt take it bad at all.
But another turn of events forced her to move again. Into a little house in a lakeside village closer to another aunt and her big sister.
New friends. . .More depression. Soon she didnt keep contact from her friends from her other school, and contact was limited between her and her most trusted friend. His mother didnt approve of her. . .People just drifted from her, leaving her alone once more.
But then one unseasonably cold summer day, on her way to the library, she didnt know when she looked to her right, looking straight through the gawking boy with the weed wacker.
and but a day later she saw him again, not knowing who he was. He was with a person she vaguely knew of, and so she walked up and said hi, plopping next to the tense boy on the table. she laughed, noticeing the creakiness of the unsturdy table they were on. Her first words to him were "Wow, some creaky tables right?" she laughed. He launched nervously into a tale about his friend breaking the table once. He wasnt anything special, but he did possess the beautiful brown eyes she loved so much. they laughed for a little while until he had to leave, and later that day she received a message on myspace. It was the boy. He was four years older then her, and he was asking her to go on a date with him to the park the following day at four oclock. She happily accepted, meeting him the next day. the day was filled with laughing, and flirting. and finally around nine, when she was on her way home, he kissed her. It was magic. Her first real kiss. It felt wonderful to put her arms around his neck and pull him closer to her. they were like that for the next month until they finally progressed, making love on a forest floor. It became one of those every day, not very special things. for months, six to be exact, before everything just fell apart. She loved him eith a passion, clinging to him with tight fingers as she felt him slipping away. her mother had found out about it all. He came to see her at her house a few times every couple of weeks, until finally he was forced to grow up and move away from his home. He went to live away. Too far away. they still said that they loved eachother and all of that creepy shit, but finally when he was to come into town again and spend time with her. . .he just didnt show up. And he wouldnt call or text her. she felt so alone. she wished for nothing more than to be able to rest her head on his chest again, but that wasnt going to happen. So she settled on gaining contact with the amazing boy she had met two years prior. He too had moved far away, so she didnt get to see him but on rare ocassions. But then again, she had quit going to church. Her faith was dwindling fast due to the fact that god just didnt seem interested in listening anymore. Cold.
She found a small bit of comfort being able to talk to him. he was just like that. Her big brother.
she felt the need to just talk to him when she needed an friend, like a good person he took it and lended support. It was always him. In the end, when her heart was filled to the brim with sadness and heart ache, when she loved the neglectfull man who left her for no reason at all...after so long...It was still him that she loved. His face she saw when she thought of the dreaded four letter word.
And she was so happy for him. He had been in a wonderfull relationship with an amazing girl, but she just could help but to feel her heart sink. Why couldnt she have what they had? Why couldnt the man she was with be like that? So perfect. . .
so one night. . .laying in her dark room starring up at the white paint above her. She got an idea. She had cut before, dabbled in suicide a little. But this time she felt it was real. the urge to just end it all, because she could see what was coming her way, the end. Why could she be like the other girls? why could she have love? Why didnt it exist? Because. she just wasnt pretty enough. Not for the man she had made love to. Not for the man she had met at church. not for anyone. She didnt deserve love. she was a bad, dirty little girl with no escape. So she sighed, seeing only two ways out. she could take the hard way, the long way. she could try her best to be pretty and bubbly. Try her best to make it down the road of life, work hard to get everything she wanted. . .Or she could lay there in all her pitifull depression, and let the dark swallow her up. let it suffocate her. Let it bring her into the void of eternal dark.
But what to choose?
If she chose life, she would undoubtidly have to face more and more of this wretched heart break. but then again, wasnt it worth it? to be able to watch the dawn of a new day on the horizon. so watch the birth of a child. To watch as those around her live and grow and prosper.
what would she choose?

Find out in my next blog post. I'll tell you what she is deciding. What im deciding.

I have decided to start posting regular updates on my art stuff, as well as the dorky vidios i will be posting on youtube...soon...maybe. Anyways...Today was a normal day i guess. except i wore PINK. and all the guys paid attention to me! yay!

Okay, also, a few things have been going through my head today, like maybe meeting someone new and falling in love again, getting married and having a few...!!! wait, did i just say the word MARRIAGE???

And then i started thinking about a wedding. What would mine be like? It would probably be a very out of the norm wedding, with neon green and blue ribbons, orange flowers, red drapes and carpets, and then neon silly string flying everywhere while trance music blasted and everyone danced all around.

But i think that, the only way i could possibly even think the word marriage, is if my best friend and brother John Pavlick, somehow disguised himself as a woman and was one of my maids of honor. But lets just face it, John can never, and would never, pass as a girl. Even if he wanted to. Which he wouldnt, because im sure that a brides maids dress would make him very uncomfortable. ^_^

Lmfao. I was thinking about john in a dress with shaved legs when i was in science class, and i started laughing, and everyone was like O.O. and the teacher was like "miss Petersen, do you find something funny about Solubility???" and i was like "no sir! '^-^"